Just in Time

I am in pain. Like someone has beaten my entire body with a nerf bat.
It isn’t the old, familiar pain of my endo and adeno; no, I am actually quite happy to report that my pelvis only very rarely gets any of that deep burning, stabbing, cramping pain. And I wouldn’t rate this pain at anything over a 4. But it’s gotten pretty constant, and every inch of me is both stiff and tense. I don’t think my amitryptaline is working very much anymore. I’m having trouble sleeping, no longer craving carbs (not that I’ll complain on that one), wading through brain-fog, and getting ocular flashes again; plus the pain. I guess its time to call Dr. B. Too bad it couldn’t hold off until closer to Feb. 10 when I was scheduled for my follow up with her.

And all just in time for the next semester to start. Great.

I can’t do this.

I know, I said I would have another long absence slated for you, but I need a safe place to whine, to vent, to express some feelings I would not otherwise say.

I need to write three papers for various classes. And come up with a presentation. I’ve known about these things for months, but was not yet integrated enough into my new field of study to competently work on them at that time. Now, now I am stuck in the crunch and I find it that I just can’t produce them. I stare at the word documents for ages. I try to scoop some thoughts together in my mind and get them to appear on the paper- but it fails. My brain is so dense in a fog I’m amazed I get dressed, take my pills, and walk the dog competently in the morning. I’m amazed I make it to the right classes on the right days. But putting thoughts together- coherent, educated, and critical thoughts expected of a graduate student… thoughts I know I once could have easily strung together… I can’t do it. I used to think everything out before I said it, before I did it, but as this year (or the past two years, more accurately) has progressed, that happens less frequently. Things just happen, and when I try to conceive them in my mind before they come out of my mouth (or onto the paper) in a jumbled mess my brain just freezes into a dull and achy block.

While the physical pain has been tremendous, I can usually push through it. It is this mental fog makes me worry about my career as a graduate student more than anything else. I have been told recently by a professor that he thinks I am a sharp student… and given my personal opinion that this has been my worst semester of my entire academic career, particularly in terms of my abilities and thoughts given to each class this semester, I guess I should take that as a good sign- even at my worst (so far), I am still perceived as an intelligent and competent student. …but I know what I am capable of, what I could be doing if I was at my best- or even just has slightly more mental clarity. And I hate it. I hate how I feel now. I hate that I can’t bring myself to produce the work I want to produce, and at the quality I want to produce it…

I am exhausted. Mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.