I’ve had bad fatigue today. Every ounce of my body feels exhausted. Heavy.
I had a meeting in the mid-morning and then melted into my couch not bearing to move more than necessary… while being restless at the same time, tossing and turning while my body refused to find a comfortable space. I managed to nap, which served not to alleviate any of my exhaustion but to eat up a few hours of the day. I even mustered up my strength to walk the dog and help make dinner.
All in all it wasn’t an unsuccessful day, but still I felt down. I felt ill.
And while eating dinner, watching my favorite YouTube channel, I laughed. It was a moment of lightheartedness and joy.
And immediately I questioned myself. If I am enjoying myself, if I am feeling alright–right now, in this second–, if I am not at my worst, am I sick enough?
Am I sick enough?
Enough for what, I don’t quite know. Sick enough to be considered chronically ill, perhaps? Sick enough to consider myself ill when other’s have diagnoses? have worse symptoms?
What is sick enough?
I don’t know, and still it is a thought that crossed my mind, and not for the first time.
Living undiagnosed, with mostly intermittent mild to moderate symptoms, and functioning–even if not up to the standards that I remember or that I wish I could be at, even if I feel dis-abled at times I am not disabled… it makes me question myself, my experiences. Am I enough?
I have a doctors appointment next week. I’m meeting an internal medicine PCP, I’m hoping to make my new PCP. I set the appointment up as a physical, 1) because I haven’t had one in a while, 2) when I set it up I wasn’t having any specific symptoms again, and 3) how do you set up an appointment when you have no idea what is wrong with you?
What do I bring up at the appointment? How do I not overwhelm this doctor with my medical-self? With my history? with my current situation? with my nagging fear of I am not enough?