Today

My world isn’t spinning, but it definitely isn’t still either. It’s a weird state of dizziness that I don’t know how to describe.

I’m not lightheaded. Actually, my head feels like it weighs a ton. But it does feel like a balloon, far disconnected from the rest of my body.

I’m uncoordinated. My body awareness is minimal. I’ve run into everything today, and toppled over standing still.

My mind is stretched to it’s limits just existing. Like someone left a manuscript out in the pouring rain. Everything that once was there, sharp and delineated, is run-together – smeared and weeping into each other. Nothing is distinguishable anymore, but the evidence of something that once was still remains.

I haven’t even been writing my symptoms down to take to doctors lately. I’ve stopped tracking my meals. Everything is so much effort. And nothing seems to be making a difference.

Today is going to be a long day.

Today I’m simply existing.

Today…

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3 thoughts on “Today

  1. Britni, really sorry to hear about your difficulties. Know how frustrating it can be to have symptoms that are hard to articulate. Even when you are as lucid as can be it feels like no one can hear you:-(
    Maybe instead of tracking meals or other possible causes for how you feel you could concentrate on WHAT you feel? All the diagnosis successes I’ve had were from doctors working backwards from what I was experiencing. Guessing at causes pre-loads assumptions and seems to force conclusions that are too limited. Does that make sense?

    • I always appreciate your comments Scott.
      Makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, because of my gastroparesis, I have to track meals to make sure I don’t become malnourished. I have a hard time getting enough calories in a day, and an especially hard time getting the proper proportion of protein and fats, so my dietician wants me to keep track of the nutrient information for everything I eat.
      I do concentrate on WHAT I feel, and try to share that with doctors when I’m doing a good job of writing it down and remembering it, not why I’m feeling it. I just haven’t been doing a good job at doing that lately because, well, depression sucks.Thankfully another antidepressant added on and I’m starting to feel better and get back on track ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Understand your need to track diet now. I’m a bit of a cynic when it comes to cause and effect with doctors–at least the local ones I’ve given up seeing. Actually any “authority” sets me off.
    Anyway, though there’s lots of arguments against reverse design in teaching and diagnosis, there is something to say with starting with what you feeling and tracking backwards to identify possible causes. That said, it’s vital to have the strength to advocate for yourself and depression can make it feel like the effort is too much.
    Just recently received a copy of my full medical records from a few months before to a few months after my first heart failure in 2008. Most of it is charts and medical jargon but there’s also a bit on having lived for months with almost no heart function and minimal oxygen distribution. To me, that time was almost a 24 hour a day dream state and oddly only one doctor noted that patients are conscious during these episodes and can make a mess of our perceptions–like how much effort it takes to only barely function. For me, the end result was the anxiety of not being diagnosed properly and a feeling of not being connected well enough to the world to send out the “proper” care-attracting signal.
    Guess illness has a lot to do with sense making. That first you are a person and that matters. And you are a person with the ability to reason and solve things and even if the answer doesn’t “fix” you back to where you want to be, you are an active participant. Hope the anti-depressants can lift you up a bit.

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