Waiting.

I was going to write a post about my worsening depression. How being unable to feel productive and capable of doing the things I need to be able to do, and once could do so easily, was driving me into a deeper pit of melancholy and despair. But I didn’t. Because the depression robs me of my ability to get things done just as much as my other ailments.

And then I had a [mildly] productive week. I called Dr. S’ office to check on the neurology referral… which I am still waiting on. They were apparently playing fax-tag with my medical records when I called early last week, and I haven’t heard anything since.

I even worked on submitting an abstract and summary for a poster at an academic conference, with a co-worker. I hadn’t felt that academically capable in a long time. Unfortunately, it didn’t last, and as soon as I tried to read the literature for my own scholarly interests again, my brain went back to sluggish understanding and struggling to make critical connections. I did manage to get three chapters read last week. That’s nothing really; I should be reading more at least 5 or 6 chapters or articles a day, and doing a lot of writing. But I’m trying to stay positive, and take some joy and accomplishment from what I am currently capable of doing.

And I crocheted up a couple of drink cozies as part of an ongoing project I’m working on. They’re for a fundraiser the greyhound adoption group I volunteer with has been invited to participate in, in October. I’m getting a head-start now, before classes start again. I’m making drink cozies, some clutches, and a houndstooth scarf. I’m hoping they will go over well and bring in some nice donations.

Unfortunately, over the past few days I’ve also had a worsening of, what I assume is, gallbladder symptoms. Mainly right sided pain- under my ribs, but some upper left sided pain too. And an increasing feeling of heart burn… but not really heart burn. Plus some right shoulder pain. It’s not just after I eat though. Its starting to be pretty prevalent throughout the entire day.

I’m also having more pelvic pain. That lower right side pain that never went away after surgery is still there. It isn’t nearly as bad as it was before, but it likes to pop in and remind me it’s still there.

I’m exhausted, and I don’t know what to do next. Do I try to go back and see Dr. S and have the gallbladder out? Can I even afford to do that this summer? Will I ever get an appointment with the neurologist? Will it even tell me something? Will I be able to make it through the next semester? Through my PhD program in a timely manner? What do I do if I can’t?

I don’t have the answer to any of these questions. I feel like I’m stuck in a holding-pattern when I desperately want to make some progress and move forwards. But I’m just waiting. waiting. waiting.

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