If its not one thing, its another

I was finally feeling a smidge better; just clear enough that I could read some of the literature I need for my prelim and feel confident that I could cognitively process and make connections on a level that I needed to. Something I’ve been having the hardest time with lately. Why, oh why, has my thinking gotten so slow and difficult? I misuse words- often saying something entirely different than what I mean, even if I recognize it immediately. I feel as if my brain is swimming in cloudy jello. Its so much effort that I’m not used to putting into thinking, and not high level, innovating, working on ill-structured thinking–I’m accustom to working really hard at that– just basic thinking.

So I finally feel a bit of a break in the cloudy jello, and I get one chapter down and eagerly start on a second when all of a sudden I notice I’m not breathing. The same kind of thing that happened on the percocet. I doubt I don’t breathe for long, but it’s long enough to notice and feel short on air and my brain to go “OH SHIT BREATHE IN DAMN IT.” And then I can barely get air in. I tried counting my breaths in and out, with a longer exhale. I tried changing position. Nope, nada. So I break out my inhaler.

I don’t know I’ve said this before. I hate my inhaler. It makes me all jittery, and my brain has a hard time focusing, and it really only barely helps my breathing. Thankfully I hadn’t needed it all winter. I hadn’t taken a puff since August. But tonight I had to. Two puffs at 9:00pm.

And I still have to consciously think about breathing. If I don’t concentrate I’ll catch myself not inhaling again. At least my lungs feel like they can get air when I inhale, but I guess I’m done with work for the night. I certainly can’t focus on my reading, and meaning building, and conceptualizing while every second I have to pay attention to breathing. It’s been hard enough to write this damn post. And thank goodness for the easy ability to edit on via computers, or else this would have been an illegible mess, I’ve misspelled about every other damn word, hit the wrong button for delete over half the time, and had to take many breaks to string my thoughts together while thinking about getting air.

What a lovely way to end my day. As if all this health stuff wasn’t getting to me lately anyway. And I wasn’t already feeling awful about the amount of attention and work my academic career has been getting.

Like yesterday, I’ll be doing my best not to breakdown and cry myself to sleep. At least the amitriptyline helps me fall asleep, even if I have been getting flashes in my vision again by the end of the day.


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